MLC – A Cold Day In Hell

MLC

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It was miserable. It was windy, it was dark, and it was really freaking cold. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t fun – because anything can happen in Missouri… anything. The captains were very explicit about when the warm-ups would begin. However, Mandy the GPS got turned around and it was concluded that most cars were LAF. Wisconsin roamed from despondent cornfield to booze-selling convenience store until they arrived at a go cart track with an adjacent open space – identified as the MLC fields. Stepping out of the car, Animal couldn’t recognize anyone. “Who are all these n00bs?” From head to toe storm troopers foamed with scarves, hats, gloves, and tights were looking pretty dismal. However, the Hodags were determined to run hard, for fear of frozen toes. As the first round of games was set to begin – the Hodags began getting serious. Darth Klane yelled, “Give me a tighter huddle damnit!” as the frosh Hodags weren’t all the way convinced of what might happen in there. The frigid Missouri wastelands were nothing to the evil wind and the darkening clouds, which were moving in very quickly. As soon as the Death Eater circle closed ranks, the sky had turned jet black and Jimmy Foster was stepping to the forefront of the huddle – his outline in the disappearing sun was beyond breath taking, as most players averted his intensely threatening eyes. “This is a statement weekend! I freaking love the cold, I live for this shiz, hell – I freaking invented winter!” It was a rousing speech, but soon Jay-Fo noticed that the rookies were shivering and wrapped in blankets – probably going into hypothermia. Manny immediately noticed his master’s gaze and laughed a demonic cackle and finished Foster’s thoughts for him, “It will be a cold day in hell when CUT can beat us!” Gaynor choked on his hot chocolate and Adam Drews squeaked in disbelief, for the last time the Hodag’s roundly expected to beat Carleton, it ended with a snow storm defeat in Northfield 2005. However, Cinnabuns and Cullen were not taken back with this statement – because neither of these players had ever lost to Carleton and neither ever expected to. As Wisconsin stood stunned by this sudden turn of events, lost in thought and soul searching, it was time to play some ultimate. As the Hodags looked over, Texas State was standing on the line – looking annoyed with the lethargic Hodags who were teetering from rage to severe apprehension. Eventually, Jon Masler stepped forward and roared, loud and brawny, standing as a pillar of fortitude for the confused Hodags. With this renewed moment of intensity, the Hogads suddenly rushed Texas State – grabbing appendages and tearing the Buckets limb from limb in a passionate frenzy of uncontrollable rage.
The very first point was indicative of how the rest of the weekend would be shaping up. It took the Offense four tries just to score downwind and the wind was overpowering most punted throws. However, there were bursts of glory as a Hodag here and there would power through the conditions for a layout attempt or sky D, as Jimmy Foster mack D’d both chances on the first point. Wisconsin finally punched in a short goal as Jay-Lo hit Bjerjies 1-0. Madison had convinced themselves that the cold air was really invigorating as they pounded Texas State with their legs – completing a push pass Animal to Masler for the upwind break 2-0. The Blodags quickly form ranks and begin in chorus to rap and dance “Oh hot damnit, this is my Janet!” Texas State couldn’t stand such white boy dancing and immediately called a timeout to revamp their game plan. It was more than Manny could take, “We don’t let the Offense play anymore this game. Seriously – if you can’t ball when you’re on the field, take off your cleats.” Feldman was smirking and goofing off again, which only further pissed Manny off. It was time to set the tone for the season, and sacrifices had to be made. Manny had made up his mind and in a flash of light, Animal had strode the circle, brandishing a familiar jagged blade. Hollywood didn’t even notice until Annen was on top of him, splicing Ben’s Achilles tendon and barking, “The Defense will score until Feldman can heal himself!” The rookies exchanged nervous glances, now having witnessed the second team sacrifice in two weeks. “It is all coming a little fast. I like hurting people – but some of these guys are crazy,” commented Uncle Jerry as he eyed Feldman, dancing on a nearby picnic table with Talter. The Hodags took Manny’s words to heart, scoring the downwind break as Animal found Cullen 3-0. Wisconsin was scoring with increased efficiency at every opportunity as BergieMingie gets a *sick* layout D and then breaks it to Dan Park, who rips a huck upwind to Simmons for the break 4-0. The Pheanimal was taking over the game and crushing on everybody, scoring from T-Murda to lead 5-0. With the scent of the oatbag in the air, Cullen gambles a little too much as Texas State almost scores deep and then insists dramatically that they are in until they spike it and walk away 5-1. Manny stormed off the field cursing, knowing if the Offense went back in that his personal domination would be lost in the S box, because Feldman was sure to be tossing up some FUZZ. It wasn’t a pretty sight as the O-face turned it 7 consecutive times into the downwind end zone. Muffin has seen enough and yells to Gaynor, “How many more chances do you need?” Babyface smiles back and puts two fingers in the air. Two throws later Gaynor gets the under D, starts the face break, scoring the goal from Darth Klane 6-1 for halftime. Texas State tried to contest the score, miscounting the number system twice before Foster told him to just go back to his huddle. Wisconsin attempts to huddle close to stay warm, but the blood covering Manny’s fur was too much to take and several rookies began playing in the falling snow as Wisconsin readied for the second half.
Almost all Hodags had experienced Regionals, but the first-time players weren’t really getting the message. “There is no way the most important game of the year could be anything near this shitty,” exclaimed Dan Park, flatly refusing Cullen’s insistence as the snow flurries swept his face. When Matt Crumb made it to the line he joined in, “You had better believe it baby! Playing CUT in Regional Finals in snow storm cross winds is the bomb!” Mas-Guy just shook out his flowing hair and ripped a bomb to Where’s Wiseman? for the big sky. Matt Crumb raced for the dump and started talking smack in all directions, “I came to ball today, cuz I do it for the kids! For the kids damnit!” screamed Crumb as he cracked a backhand to Animal for the break 7-1. Manny was still very angry about halftime and almost exploded with rage when he saw Tom Murray saunter out onto the pitch with some very tight very red jet pants – swishing with every step. Consumed with rage and in a 5-2 set, Animal goes deep, calling Murda under for obvious reasons. Masler is still standing with the disc, as all resets had moved downfield. Janet powers up and rips a ridiculous deep bomb – an explosion of fury and the sideline erupts with an emotion filled version of “Oh hot damnit, this is my Janet!” Jasler just pumped his fist and pointed to the sky as Animal skied for the break 8-1. Texas State was pretty much unphased by the Hodags antics and calmly walked to the line muttering, “It is sooooo cold.” And it was pretty cold considering several Bucket’s were somehow still in shorts and a short sleeve jersey, while the Wisconsin sideline was huddling near trashcan fires. Texas State scored to make it 8-2 and even traded late into the game 11-4 as Jerome was making plays. Feldman’s life was twice more proverbially threatened, before it was outright exploded “I’m gonna kill Feldman!” as Hollywood had tossed his 3rd straight turnover on the point, two of which were upside down. As the game ended, most Hodags ran to the cars to grab more clothes and all those at the fields, huddled together like penguins, capturing heat with every armpit.
The second game was against North Texas and Two-Face Klane flipped his own special coin during the flip and mysteriously chooses the wind. Wisconsin makes chilly work of North Texas, scoring meticulously as Darth Klane was ripping high release flicks all over before Bjergies finds Talter on the O2 score 1-0. However, UNT wants to work and is playing with something to prove, as they score easily 1-1. Animal surely scowls as he prowls off the field, staring down and breaking two different kids with popped collars as Drews does the dirty work, hitting Gaynor down the line 2-1. North Texas really wanted to give it to the Hodags and scored downwind again 2-2. The game conditions were worsening and the level of respect between the teams was tanking worse than the S&P 500. UNT was working the disc upwind, getting unders to midfield when the deep shot came. North Texas called much needed strip and things exploded altogether. Even the sideline was heckling this one, “You are lying to yourself and everybody here!” It was to no avail and North Texas State broke upwind several passes later, seizing the lead 2-3. The Blodags were generally annoyed with this outcome until Bergen was an idiot and served up a floaty 500 ball Callahan, forcing Wisconsin to walk 80 yards back to the line down 2-4. Muffin found Foster near the middle of the field, “Do you want to take a timeout?” J-Lo just glared at Bjergies until he hollered out the starting D line. As Animal walked to the line he was ready to point fingers, “Remember what I said at the beginning of the day? If you let the Offense play too much, this type of crap is gonna happen!” Everyone on the line giggled a little bit, save Yossi and Crumb. Old Man Young, having been on the team for his 7th year, knew exactly what needed to happen. Animal just needed to be released back into the “wild” so he could go “Aggro” on somebody. There was only one way to out Aggro the Animal, it would involve “making plays.” Crumb immediately interrupted Animal’s defensive call to step out of the line – using his most hostile Old Man Voice. “I am a Hodag! I make plays! You wanna see the fandango? You had best believe that I’mma showman! Better than Manny even.” Every eye on the line was rapt with attention as Crumb was talking big game right to Animal’s face. If this came down to intimidation, Manny had never lost. “Just give me the disc. Feed me the ultimate – I will carry this team myself!” On the first play, Matt Young went deep and skied for the catch. Two passes later, Crumb had scored the point, closing the game to 3-4 as he yelled, “I am the reincarnation of the FrisbeeMonster! Roooofffeeeeeooooo! Bingo bango! Aaahhh-shheeeiiit!” As Yoshmee finally cracked a smile and chuckled at this Old Man Crumb outburst, it was clear that Wisconsin was having fun again. Wisconsin immediately stacked the next time, determined to get back an upwind break. Jimmy Foster was ready to respond, bombing an inconceivably big backhand bomb, as Manny skied for the goal 4-4, complete with a head spike, dancing, and singing, “I can do whatever I like,” in his best T.I. impression. UNT recovered long enough to score downwind, again taking the lead 4-5, as Wisconsin was yielding too many unders. However, Manny was a man on fire and knew what had to be done. Without any hesitation whatsoever Animal takes the field with swagger rivaling Lucifer’s himself – before scoring O2 from Darth Klane, putting the Hodags even 5-5. Wisconsin knew it would take work to pull themselves out of the S-box (less than 38 degrees) long enough to end this game from these dark conditions. Wisconsin put out a dominate line and it paid off, as Jimmy Foster allowed Tom Murda to sky for the goal 6-5 and half, as Murray hollered about his rager for Jay-Lo. The halftime speech was not pleasant as Hodag studs who had been there before let the Feldman have it again and again screaming something like, “Hit the freaking ground, break their ankles, win each individual match-up with your work ethic. The HODAGS rely on each other to be fudging crazy, get crazy D's and rock the fudge out of our opponents.” As Feldman yawned, Bergen quickly slapped him in the face and glared as the rant continued, “When someone scores, we rush the field and let the other team know that they do not belong within 100 miles of us. We succeed and fail as a team. Not as individuals. Let’s take North Texas by tornado.” And that was all that needed to be said as Wisconsin took the field with a steady determination. The Hodags generate a turn and work it upwind as Masler finishes deep 7-5 to Matt Crumb who shouts as running deep, “I believe in you Janet! If you believe, you can achieve!” And Jasler needed every word, for he ripped a solid flick for the score – the first time all day Jasmine hadn’t immediately turfed his flick huck (~12 yards) into the brutal upwind. As UNT sulked back to their line, several players could be heard muttering amongst themselves, “Why do we get broken so much?” Wisconsin takes the line with energy seething from every player and the Wisconsin Defense had that malicious look in their eyes – like their unrelenting work ethic could not be denied. It was all man’s D as Cinnamons makes a play and then Double Happiness as he scores from a Jake Smart super sniper bomb 8-5, dunking pretty nasty-like on the UNT defender who gets pretty pissed about the over-the-top spike. It was like the flood gates had opened wide and the few Wisconsin fans cheered, “Hodags Gone Wild!” A landslide of emotion leapt from the Hodags as Jasmine was ready to instill some pain, finding Adam Drews for another break now 9-5. Wisconsin was firing on all cylinders and taunting the clearly thirsty UNT with jabs like, “Water makes ya tired! Water makes ya weak,” in their best southern accents. This caused UNT to pop their collars once more, but this only caused the ravenous Hodags the desire to punish more – and it was all Animal, hitting freshman JohnKillStrong for the goal 10-5. It was game point Blodags, and the lines finally loosened, allowing pirate YoshMee into the game. Freshman Jerry made a nice layout attempt before Shmeee is taken out in the lane hollering, “Damn crocodile!” In the midst of the confusion, North Texas bombs it deep and scores to make it 10-6. Manny lets out a roar of disgust, knowing the Offense would have to enter the game one last time to finish it. Ben Feldman rocketed a flick deep and Foster brutally skied the 500 people pile and finished to Ron Bjergendy 11-6. The conditions turned steadily more sour, windy, and cold as Wisconsin groaned at the knowledge of having two games left on this dark and gloomy Saturday.
As Wisconsin did some more penguin warmth huddling, it was time for some deep shadow games – like those the Hodags loved to play in the Northwoods. Shadow games involve playing under the radar and choosing the appropriate moments to finish their victim, something every mature Hodag knows how to do, especially Gaylord Ganjies. Kansas was next on the docket and under the leadership of Axel, really wanted to give it to the Blodags. Evan Two-Face Dent again flipped his mysterious double-sided coin and somehow won the flip, despite the 15 flip-flops the wind did to the other disc. Wisconsin chose wind and started on Offense, much to Animal’s chagrin. However, the pre-game pep talk was quick and to the point – “We will have to choose who lives and dies” starts Tom Murda. “And someone on that team over there, is gonna die! Because I’m not wearing hockey pads and I’m ready to layout into some backs and earn my TMF’s.” Cullen’s vexation showed in his face, as the C Monster was the reigning TMF Champion, having earned several backpack awards last season. As Wisconsin cheered, “No mercy; punish, destroy, consume,” Tim Pearce could be seen from a great distance, obviously outside of the huddle, barely even wanting to be there as the Hodag roar rang loud and jumbled in the gusty winds. The Wisconsin Offense takes of business as Adam Drews rifles a shot to Jay-Fo-J-Lo 1-0, and a half-hearted rendition of OOOooooOOOoooo Sucks! On the line, Yoshmee is adjusting his pirate eye-patch as Masler smirks and sprouts off some smack talk to the disc, “I’m gonna rip this guy so hard, they are gonna think Mike Jones had a hand in it.” Animal responds, “Who?” “Mike Jones!” “Who?” “I said Mike Jones,” roars Jasler as he put a scolding hot ripper into the atmosphere. As the disc is floating, Foster decides to enact some revenge on Kansas from CCC 2005 and whipping out his wand, wordlessly casts, “Confundio!” As Kansas sets to catch the pull, it plops right off his mittens for a drop. Yoshmee charges the scene in excitement, looking for opportunities to plunder and disparage. But Janet takes control and sets the isolation play, easily hitting Tom Murda for the chilly break 2-0. Shamanimal, complete with his sock sleeve, sends a towering pull deep and Kansas has their hands full just fielding it. The hitch pass is immediately turfed, still in the end zone, and Jake Smart wonders out loud, “Was that for reals?” Shamanimal is left with no choice, but to finish O2 to Jake for the break 3-0. Kansas was giving Wisconsin freebee points left and right and Wisconsin had done everything short of water-boarding the Horrorzontals at this juncture. It took the Horrorzontals three attempts just to score the downwind 3-1 as the conditions worsened yet again and the wind swirled. The Hodag O-face wasted no time scoring as Evan Dent hucked deep to Jay-Lo 4-1 for the flip spike. Kansas was getting desperate as their offense was still turning the disc, forcing Axel to get a nasty layout D en route to scoring 4-2. Madison was still scoring easily downwind as Jon Gaynor found Straight Drooze for the midrange score 5-2. Wisconsin is again coming dangerously close to a lull as the 2008-09 Hodags are not quite as committed to dominating as they should be – unwilling to punish lesser teams and twist the dagger, rather content to play with their food. This should be obvious as the most important game the majority of the current team has ever lost is Vegas Finals 2007 or maybe quarterfinals of Centex 2008. This would explain why the two biggest haters on the team – Animal and Foster – are the only two players who know how it feels to lose an important game. They know how it feels to lose at Regionals, to lose at Nationals… they are the only two players with a real perspective. Despite Yoshmee, who just knows how to lose. Sooner or later they will need to translate this desire to the current crop of n00bs who have been spoon-fed victory after victory. However, there is a diamond in the rough, Cullen Geppert – who believes in hard nosed defensive work. Cullen sets the tone by example getting an under layout D, popping up from the ground pumping his chest. Wisconsin quickly turned the disc back to Kansas and the C Monster went back to work, getting a second poach layout under D, again popping up, beating his chest and pointing to the sky and the Northern skyline, clearing gesturing towards Katie in Michigan. But the inexperience of Wisconsin was unmistakable as another Masler huck upwind went barely 20 yards before dropping harmlessly to the snow covered ground. Tomacide Murda, determined to not be shown up, uses his head and leaps for a D in the lane, yelling to Cullen that he can get D’s too. Again Wisconsin would flounder opportunities, giving the disc back to Kansas. Cullen is finally ticked off at the handlers and gets his third layout D of the point, this time on the far around breakside, swinging his fist into the air and glaring down T-Murda screaming, “They are who we thought they were!” But the heroics of Cullen and Murda would not be enough to overcome the futility of the handlers as Yoshmee and Masler continue to give back to the disc and Kansas scores 5-3. Despite the defensive struggles, Wisconsin took half easily as Feldner put a nice disc down the line to Jay-Fo for the score 6-3.
The halftime huddle was not a pleasant one as Animal again put his heart on his sleeve and hated on everyone who needed it – maybe not even as hard as he should have. “Look around! You see that beast on your chest? That’s a Hodag, and we sure as hell ain’t playing like it!” Looking into the eyes of his teammates, it was clear to Foster that these ‘kids’ had not the slightest idea of what it took to win. Infuriated by this realization and this being his last season, Jay-Lo decides it is time to pump up the Blodags, “Since we are too young and inexperienced to be good, what we’ll be calling on is good ol’ fashioned blunt force trauma. Horsepower! Heavy duty cast iron pile driving layout D’s, that will have to hurt so much they’ll rattle their ancestors! Every time you hit them with a shot, its gotta feel like they tried kissing the express train! Yeah, let’s start building some hurtin’ hucks!” Evan Dent explodes with maniacal laughter at this pump up speech and vows to rid these barren MLC of every enemy combatant. The invigorating half-time speech did little to increase D lines efficiency at scoring upwind, clearing missing the 85-yard upwind hucks of Morfin. Axel Bramhead was the driving force for Kansas making plays to keep it 6-4. The Wisconsin captains decided it was time to put in the work as Jimmy hit Klane for the quick score 7-4, as the gloved Kansas pullers kept popping off some haggard looking poop bombs. Kansas continued to score downwind on a second effort play and the game was still close 7-5. Straight Drooze is getting annoyed with his teams lackluster effort and screams at the Defense as they walk off the field, heads down, “Always run as fast as you can run! If your not running ya fastest, you are pretty much pointless – and that goes for everybody on the team!” After a moment’s pause the normally cool headed Drews adds, “Sorry, that sounded kind of jerkish… but suck it anyway!” The fire-starting captains were again in control as Two-Faced Klane found Jay-Fo for the score 8-5, yelling at Yossi to not be so chunky. Yoshmee takes it serious, vowing a personal vendetta on his waistline as he gets a goal saving layout D. The Yosh, was nearing exhaustion but needed revenge, as he weaved upwind with Manny and Mas-Guy before bombing to Cullen for the sky break upwind 9-5. The Hodags rush the field, in a torrent of excitement as blood leaks from their mouths as the devoir the fallen Stegosaurus that the C Monster immediately kills with his deadly spike. However, Bergen is mostly a vegetarian and is suddenly in the mood for pancakes and even a pick-up game of dischoops. Bjergies immediately challenges Kansas as he magically transforms Missouri into his own personal backyard disc field – complete with rising mist and flair-filled fanciful outfits for his Hodag teammates. Kansas is confused by the new rules and accidentally travels, which Klane calls from the sideline, resulting in a turnover by rule. Bergen rushes to the disc and puts a show for the ages, complete with several swim-move-side-arm-chicken-wing-push-pass-daisies before dishing to a wide-open Manny, setting the pick between Phenamial and the defenders. As Bjergies holds off both defenders he yells to Animal, “Huck the ‘bee – HUCK IT!” Manny rips a flick deep and Dan Park rips it down for the score, leaving Bergen to proclaim, “Game Blouses.” Kansas is getting pissed with all these antics and scores to make it 10-6. Tim Pearce finally gets back into the game, but doesn’t get a chance to juke his defender as Darth Klane rips a ridiculous 85 yard backhand Boom Headshot to the free running Ganges for the win 11-6, but not before wiping out on the slick field, getting the worst of his shit-talking Karma.
Wisconsin again feasts on the sideline, wishing that Iowa would just get over here so the Hogags could beat the crap out of them already. The pre-game huddle was quick and to the point as Foster went of the finer points of “The Secret Power of Within,” touching on all of Chuck Norris’ finer kill moves. This fires up the Altered beast as he finishes the cheer with a riveting Hodag roar. But it was clear from the start that Iowa would not be taking any of Wisconsin’s shenanigans as the Hawkeyes played through a down disc and a sweet Cullen Geppert layout bid to score 1-0. As Evan Klane takes the field he yells some inspirational words to the D Line, “It’s no fun to be easy.” Alterzone plays like a man, getting a layout snag catch to save possession before Two-Face Dent takes no mercy on Iowa as he hucks deep to the speedy Hollywood 1-1. Iowa is not impressed and scored just as easily, snatching back the lead 2-1. Up to this juncture, Iowa was talking shit. They were spitting trash after every point and spiking the disc. It was firing Jimmy Foster up and heating up the situation. After a specific terrible call, Iowa was at it again, pointing fingers and shooting curses. “This type of disrespect would not be tolerated,” thought J-Foulliard, as he drew back his sleeve and drew a certain jagged dagger. Iowa must have missed it in the commotion of the foul call – and soon, without warning J-Flow as face to the face to player. “You want to know he got these scars?” J-Faja pulled back his shirt revealing beaded scars whiplashed across his back and the teeth marks deeply imprinted upon his biceps. “You see my teammates are a little crazy. Sometimes they go too far – they don’t know when to say no.” The Iowa player began slowly backing away, now keenfully aware of the glistening dagger clasped firmly in J-Foulliard’s hands. Iowa players were stepping forward left and right, “Let the call go, just let it go man!” But the Joker was still walking forward slowly, smacking his lips, his eyes blood red. “You want to see a magic trick?” The Iowa player’s face was ghost white and his cleats now seemed stuck into the ground. J-Flow stepped closer again with a wide smile and growled, “Why so serious?” The Iowa player suddenly recovers his voice and squeaks, “Contest – I can’t cheat to win.” As Foster raises the dagger, Gaynor moves in quickly, catching J-Flow’s wrist as he is about to strike. “No J-Faja, we finish this on the field. Frankly, this can wait until the proper time.” The tension suddenly breaks and the teams are playing ultimate again – but J-Fear was a man possessed, racing all over the field and playing ridiculous D. The Defensive intensity was beginning to heat up, despite the miserable frozen conditions as R.O. Gibralter gets a sick nasty layout D on the goal line, allowing Hollywood Feldman to huck deep to Jimmy Foster 2-2. The calls are coming left and right and every point is ending in heated discussions and controversy as Iowa spikes it and walks away 3-2. Foster continues to dominate, hucking to blown coverage wide open Jon Gaynor, sneaking deep and tying the game 3-3. Iowa attempted to keep in place, but desolation hit them with crippling strength, and they faltered as Masler D’s a disc on the breakside. The Yoshmee juked for an O2 and had perfect power position, giving way to his voice velvety soft urging, “Someone, anyone, make a damned deep cut.” Adam Straight Drooze got the clue better than Vanna White as he pulls away from his defender easily, scoring deep 4-3 for the first break of the game. Wisconsin was thinking fire and brimson; the Hodags were gonna make it rain with pain. Jay-Flow acts out his own preference for justice as he closes the skies deep worse than Stout. Evan Klane promptly shoots his lazer beam deep and Hollywood’s first cut was the deepest, scoring the break to lead 5-3. Iowa closes their eyes as they walk back to the line, trying to get back into their sanctuary of pearce while the Hodags scream the dirtiest things they’ve ever seen. Iowa is able to block out the turmoil long enough to score quickly now 5-4. Wisconsin’s starting seven sauntered to the line, unconcerned with Iowa’s newfound confidence as Jimmy Foster growls, “They need to genuflect with some respect.” Jon Gaynor called the play, but it was easier than intended for Iowa was pulling out of bounds maybe to half field. The River Ganges still set up his man to race deep on the third sequence; waving his hands and calling for the closed casket as he scores easily 6-4 for halftime.
Wisconsin pulled everyone into a tight huddle as the chilling elements were testing the Hodags resolve. “This is the last half of the day. Empty the tank!” proclaimed Captain Jay-Foulliard as Davidman just shook his head. Animal was distracted, suddenly in his own head wondering, “Why is this game close? Why haven’t we demoralized this team entirely and eaten their souls. What would Shane do?” Infuriated by his betraying thoughts, the articulately angry Animal leaps into the fray, interrupting any and everyone as he shouted, “My fate is manifest destiny and I will conquer this region!” The Hodags are truly inspired as the Offense takes the field to start the second half, as Iowa quickly pulls OB for the nth time in row. Wisconsin makes swift work of the point as Gaynor scores his third time in four points, hitting J-Faja for the floating goal 7-4. Iowa is getting desperate as the margin widens, shooting insults and talking shit, trying to throw the Hodags off their game. It was working as Iowa started trading with the Hodags, making it 7-5. Madison would walk it off like Stephen Hawking as Lazer Klane found Alterzone for the weave goal 8-5. Iowa had last year’s Regional MVP Zach Eastland on the sideline’s, as he encouraged his Iowa students not to be intimidated, shouting, “We can do it!” Animal snickered as he learned over and whispered to the naughty princess Jasmine on the line, “We can make it look like a suicide – even a little artsy?” Masler looked at the Phenaminal with horror in his eyes, seeing the Animal clearly for the first time. “No Annen, we should let them score.” Shaminal stalks off looking disappointed as Iowa made it 8-6, still within striking distance. Meanwhile, Bergen heard the mutterings of his West High School teammate and knew action needed to be taken before The Animal went all-aggro. Bjergies calls for the disc and rockets a super sick flick down the line to a high-stepping Hollywood Feldman for the goal 9-6. Iowa slammed their mittens to the ground in disgust, knowing Wisconsin was just too strong to take down. There was no choice, the cheating had to begin immediately. The calls came hard and fast as Jon Gaynor supplied two straight D’s giving the Hodags chances to close the door, but Iowa held in there, eventually scoring to make it 9-7. John Bergen puts the hammer down and scores as quickly as possible to the Altered Beast, putting the lead at 10-7. As Bjergies pumped his fist leaving the pitch he screamed to the Defense, “We finish on D!” As Animal set to pull one more time he fumed to his teammates, “This is like ThunderDome! Two will enter and we need to leave!” But it was to no avail as Iowa punched in another score, cutting it to 10-8. Animal was dragged off the field in a furious rage, beyond mad and threatening lives left and right. It would take 6 chances for the Wisconsin offense to close out the game, but Darth Klane finally completed a pass to Gaynor for the win 11-8. The handshakes were quick as Iowa reminded Wisconsin that they would be seeing them tomorrow and probably in the finals of Regionals again. Wisconsin hurried home to shower and relax out of the frigid cold.
The rest of Saturday night was complete with dinner, a showing of “The Dark Knight” and then a second Sonic dinner. The majority of Hodags were frantically doing homework until about 1:30am when the last of the Brodags fell asleep – enduring riveting nightmares and contemplating taking sleeping pills. The captains had finally delegated most wake up responsibilities to the travel coordinator Naughty Princess Jasmine. But this was no kidding matter to the Jisler, smacking people out of bed at 7am sharp – well before J-Fo would be seen crashing into the bathroom. Sunday morning was new ray of light because the sun sneaked out from behind the wall of dark clouds and the temperatures relented from the previous high of 38 the day before. The wind also dropped off slightly and made for much better conditions for elimination Sunday. Wisconsin was on the hard side of the bracket – set to play Colorado State first and eventually Carleton in semifinals before Colorado in finals. Teams were still bundled so tightly their dark colors rarely matched – but now most storm troopers had removed their face-masks and were clearly visible for the first time.