Saturday, February 24, 2007

Hodag Bios 2007

#18 Jimmy “J-Fo” Foster – Standing at 9’7 and with a 63 inch vertical, Foster is the frontrunner for most athletic Hodag of 2007. He eats car tires for breakfast and can out flex Heijmen’s quads after every flight of stairs. He can charm the ladies by merely removing his shirt and giving that little smirk-smile. Foster dominates all who oppose him! Even with a broken throwing hand down the stretch last year, Jimmy was skying everybody and learning to throw lefty at practice. He definitely exhibits Pownage on our best cutter defenders and will probably spike that disc on some poor kid’s head this year. He cannot be stopped and will surely just murder defenders deep again and again. The only hope is to break his throwing hand… but he will adjust and just sky your ass with the other one. Needham represent baby!


#22 Jack “I went to Harvard” Marsh – By far the most dashing transfer student to the UW system in years. Jack is not to be trifled with because he is far more experienced than you and continues to juke defenders so bad that their ankles break and they fall over. For real, Marsh is way smarter than you, for example: when asked to create a major distraction in the midst of 20 some strangers while attempting to snag beers, Jack did the unthinkable: “Hey,” sizing up a frat boy in a #4 Green Bay Jersey, “Brett Favre sucks!” The entire room freaks out and thus, it was genius move as teammates quickly grab as many Guinness as possible out the fridge. Did I mention that Jack can be persuaded to spontaneously back flip onto anybody looking to get made a fool? Plus his dad is our biggest and only fan on occasion, so with that kind of parental support, he is a domineering force to be reckoned with. Marsh is a Callahan nominee, an all region player, I mean, how many of those does any other team own? Maybe 2… but oh snap, adding Jack makes 9 for the Hodags, stud after stud after stud. Prepare to get juked, rattled and then broken because Marsh will own any defender you throw at him and any veteran for that matter. Also like J-Fo, he dominates all who oppose him! (Jack is so dominate he might even beat Chris Rupp at Starcraft!)

#6 Dan “Q-Tip” Miller – This kid doesn’t even need an introduction. He has the sickest layouts in college ultimate, Period. For once that’s not even an exaggeration. He is faster than any player on your team, can bound higher than any player on your team, and after making the sickest play you’ve ever seen and you like tearing your ACL, you can ask him for an evaluation due to his elaborately intense athletic training expertise. Millertime has honed his skills up in the Sub Zero temperatures of Minnesota and is ready to put it all on the line in his final year. If you don’t recognize him during the regular season, it is okay. But when that Albino Q-Tip hair shines on Sunday, there will be no mistake about which kid that is or just how damn good he is. Wait, wasn’t Miller a Callahan nominee? Wasn’t Q also like All-region too! Who’s going to guard him? Are you running out of decent defenders already?

#2 Dan “Heyman” Heijmen – Captain Dan is the least liked Hodag on the team. He is always talking, exerting his will, and bossing people around. I mean, nobody was even friends with him since Tyson left. It’s not like Dan has bigger balls than your baby’s daddy. “Matt Damon” is balling everyday of the week, pumping iron, flexing in the mirror and is on track to be one of the most decorated Hodags in history, right behind Valdivia. Let’s face it, Heijmen is a beast and pretty much unstoppable in the open field. He has so much heart that when Carleton snapped his arm in half at Regionals, he blasted them twice as hard in an elimination game at Nationals with only one hand. Dan is the team leader who sets the bar of excellence high with his dedication and passion. You can’t stop him either braaaa. Hayman’s mark is freaking unbelievable and his backfield defense is incredible. He point blocked Rabbit 3 times on one point in finals of CCC. Heijmen will probably beat Dylan for the Callahan too, in your face Georgia.


#21 Andrew “Skywalker” Mahowald – Fear him, for he will haunt your nightmares. “I did not mean to turn it again Coach, I thought Beau would just sky Andrew!?” says Rabbit. Mahowaldy will guard your absolute best player and D him again and again and again. The silent prodigy has blossomed into a full fledge force this year. Everybody already knows how he got Dylan like 30 something times. They heard the rumors than Gibson just could not get his flick off on him anymore. Here is some friendly advice – Don’t throw to whoever Drew is defending. Just don’t do it, it is not a good idea. I told ya before, because Skywalker gets more D’s a game than anyone, well maybe not Mista Miller, but he gets the majority of discs sent his way. You better check yourself on the line, because Andrew is coming into his own after a club season highlighted by guarding every top stud Sockeye could throw at him. Maholywoly has also developed a knack as an ultimate commentator, with skills rivaling those of Ben Wiggins. Like I said, fear him.

#13 Brandon “Muffin” Malecek – Oh Muffin… what can I even say about this kid? He was good enough at ultimate as a junior in high school to make the college team. By now he is pretty damn experienced in terms on club and college years played. The best attribute about Muffin can be summed up nicely from one Josh Zipperstein, “That Muffin has a cannon!” After years of flexing in the mirror, perfecting his butterfly curls, and pulling the disc by himself in below zero temperatures, Muffin has the knack to throw it farther than anyone since Parker Krug. I mean, even Tyson Park is jealous on occasion. Muffin can bench press you. He could also be perhaps the most risk tolerant player in the college game right now. For he sees no odds that he does not like. Most times the poacher is just sitting there deep, but he has absolutely no idea how far Muffnuts can throw it. That defender thinks he is good position, going to help old Jim Bob if the huck goes up right? But then, when the defense has finally locked down the handlers and looks ready to snatch a turn, Guile here unleashes his “Sonic Boom!” The disc flies about 95 yards upwind and then cuts just enough to screw the defender on the last second read. Despite the loss of his golden locks and the power of his cornrows, Muffalatta has embraced the power of the dark side, because eye black injects that extra intensity and intimidation. Prepare to get broken on the no huck call, which means, there is no stopping the Muffin Man, you just better pray the cutters are coming in.

#4 Fo Sho! Matt “Rebel Rousa” Rebholz – So I heard the Hodags ran this ridiculously sweet summer camp clinic. It’s called Sik Flik Klinik and it was basically just Rebholz dominating fools at every opportunity, be in summer league, club tournaments, or backyard pickup. Do you even know who this guy is?
You should probably be doing some research in that area. I mean, do you wonder why the Hodag O-face is so dominant all season? Matt has matured as a player in the past four years and his club experience is one of his most valuable assets. The Rebel Rousa is the captain, a leader, and wants to prove that he can carry the team all the way to a regional title and national championship. When the game is spinning out of control, Matt is there restore order and keeps the team focused. Matt has huge throws and that is why he touches the disc on every single important point during an entire season, that’s trust baby. He is definitely one of the most important players to the Hodags on several levels. Good thing he made it into graduate school!

#7 Kevin “Bucket” Riley – The award for Most Improved Player from last year goes to Kevin Riley. Many would say, welcome to manhood sir. Rilers decided over the summer that he needed to become a complete dominant player, especially with how last season tragically ended. Riley wanted to reach strength levels never achieved and sculpt his body into the ultimate killing machine. Therefore, he went for help, soliciting Muffin for his own personal lifting program. The success was unparalleled, supremely unstoppable, and instantaneously dominant. Pretty soon K-Fed began racking up the most super dope D’s during practice. He began going deep, skying defenders, smothering offenders, and getting in-cut layout D’s. It started with 2 phrases of 3 little words “Eight minute abs” and “Form is God.” Bucket is case study in progress of how to become a dominator in 90 days. It was clear before that our little Rilers had throws, but now he has weapons that nobody saw coming, called confidence, work ethic, and no fear. As soon as Riley remembers how to move the disc quickly, the O-face will carry the team even when the D line cannot get the job done. The best part is that Riley is not even done. Whether it is in two weeks, two months or two years, Kevin will rip off his shirt in pure ecstasy, and avenge that National Finals loss.

#17 Tom “Animal” Annen
– If this were the Legend of Zelda, Tom is so good that he would complete the Handler Triforce by just stepping on the line. He is so damn solid that he has not turned the disc since freshman year. Mumbles also has huge mutton chops on occasion and still has the flair for the unusual, sticking to his guns and forearm sock warmers. Animal probably has better throws than your whole team. He also has the stickiest handler defense and magic mind reading abilities to get hand blocks like a specialist. Furthermore, Animal has finally accepted hard work and has been putting that extra time in on his 6 pack abs. This year Animal has decided to finally put together his ultimate highlight reel called bitching Santa Barbara again and again. “UCSB definitely wants no piece of the Animal,” and should be downright scared of his decimation of their offensive sets. Not to mention that Tom is “better than Dan Heijmen in every aspect.” Annen loves the camera and is such a versatile player that he can transition from O to D easily and still get beautiful layout D’s all over the place. Despite the fact that no one can actually understand what the Animal mumbles most of the time, we still love him. As soon as Tom buffs up a little bit and actually realizes how to squeeze the disc hard, it will be open season for bombs away. Now if only Animal could pull the disc the full 70 yards…

Part II of introductions leads us on the kids who do the dirty work.

#9 Will “The Red Headed Mexican” Lokke – Along with the propensity to intimidate small children with his fire crotch hair, our little pumpkin-muffin has also been known to strike fear into hearts of men screaming “Whose eating my Oatmeal Cookies!” Even though Lokke has been in Spain all fall, he should be very excited to get as many ridiculous layout D’s as possible. I just hope Will has been phasing out his tendency to flex naked in the mirror for so long that he pulls a muscle and his ride leaves for practice without him (see spring break 2004). Despite these possible setbacks, look for the Lokkness to dominate the deep game and begin to assert dominance at practice with his newly configured sticky hands. Zip-Loke’s fire that runs from his soul to scalp will burn you all over the field and later he can give you a spectrum analysis of how bad he skied you. Project Meatwad is a monster and should be feared as one, for he is smarter than he looks and can put himself completely horizontal at shoulder height. If you get in his way, or between him and his little Debbie collection, he will hurt you.



#19 Shane “Big CheeseSlut” Hohenstein – It might be hard to believe, but Shane is bigger and scarier than Will Lokke. The other half of the tag-team of destruction was also in Spain this last semester. Shaner will be so jacked to terrorize and destroy on defense, that his mere presence on the field will bolster the depth and the look of a newly resurrected D line. His sheer size, ability to get D’s with his head, and “I’ll fucking cut your tits off” attitude makes him literally the most dangerous player on the field. He also spits hotter game than Snoop Dogg at a Porn Convention and can do some sick shizz with his body when he goes airborne. When Crack’a’lackin goes full extension for a layout bid, he transforms into a Hodag Cruise Missile set at level Painzilla for whoever is actually trying to catch the disc. Slutface should also be happy to find out that he is no longer the craziest guy on the team, for no one can compete with Bonkers. Thugmaster will guard your biggest dude and make him feel like a pussy. He will pump you up, get in your face, and crush on kids with his T-Rex style stature. Look for “Big Papa” to bring the pain to kids near you, specifically all those titty-lickers like J-do, Sea Monster, and The Beast.

#25 Chris “Choadie” Doede – Doede is what we call a hater and the first ever winner of the Hodag scholarship. He loves to hate on things so much that it drives him through his daily life. The only person Chris hates more than you, is himself when he fucks up. When things go wrong on the field, expect to hear about it from Doede. If you don’t layout, expect to hear about it. It might not have even been your fault, but Dades is going to let you know about it. Chris is one of the few Hodags who has sick throws and does not turn the disc. Straight up, Doede’s pure unadulterated lust for destruction and pain will drive him to dominate on the field, shutting down handlers and dogging the crap out of any cutter. Chris will get down and dirty, play physical, and get in your face even worse than Richter. Chris is one of the last of a dynasty, one of the few that remains from the Hodag All Hater All-American line of Paradise, Hector, Tyson, Carrington, Zukowski, and Tripoli. None of that matters, as Chris has been putting in some serious hours in the weight-room as well as doing running workouts with weighted vests strapped to his torso. Chris’s work ethic and drive to work harder than his opponent will be the difference on the field. Look for Doede to bench press you on defense as he screams and claws his way to domination.

#24 Ben “Hollywood” Feldman – Feldman is living the dream. He is devastating college Frisbee for the first time and is currently contending for the cockiest incoming freshman in recent years, right behind Riley. Hollywood thinks he should be given that FOTY already and with a 40 time under 3 seconds; Ben is the self-proclaimed fastest Hodag ever. Things are looking good… until the team starts hearing rumors. He went to Hopkins High School… aren’t they just terrible? Didn’t Ben single handedly lose finals and I heard he is horrible at summer league? These were unsettling, but Feldman believes he’s got every throw in the arsenal and continuously proclaims “I played in Junior Worlds,” and “I can watch myself on my I-pod!” This little guy resembles a young Richter and can easily be recognized with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. Hollywood is on the fast track to be the Hodag dominator of future years and has already made an impact with deep goals and crazy high sky Ds. Ben also specializes in ice baths, walking around without his shirt on at workouts, and traveling all over the place. However, look for Ben to take some kids deep and start actually catching the disc, as soon as he realizes that he must take a reckless path to the disc.

#3 Seth “Miller #2” Meyer – Seth is what Wisconsin refers to as a transfer student. It is super sweet to get a physically matured rugby player as new ultimate recruit. Despite being the most accomplished Carleton GOP player in history, Seth is also hands down the smartest number theorist on the team. For weeks, all the Hodags could say about this kid was, “Wow, he really gets a lot of layout D’s!” And then we just started confusing him with Dan Miller and that took at least a month and a half for Heijmen to tell the difference. With MVP performances at the Eau Claire Invite and lately at Easterns, Seth is quickly becoming a versatile and interesting weapon. He has a knack for making super dope sick nasty layouts, just sacrificing the crap out of his body, and averaging a D per game. As Meyer continues to play like a man possessed with the urge to dominate all, the D line will continue to score more often than even the O line. However, Wisconsin is not entirely sold that we can trust him… for Seth is still from Carleton and therefore could enjoy butt-sex like any other Carleton alum. However, Seth has overwhelming teams almost single handedly as he scored 8 straight goals for a stretch on Sunday at Easterns.

#8 Matt “Scadallac-lac-lac” Scallet – Matt is a testament to the Hodag program. Matt is one of those wrestling competitors who came into a Wisconsin program to learn, improve and earn the team’s respect.
In his final year, Matt might be the most selfless Hodag on the team. He continually gives the team whatever it needs at the moment, whether that is a speech about focus and intensity or just fronting $4,000+. To everyone on the team, Matt has shown he is a true leader, both in word and action. He remembers to keep practice fun and positive, and is a constant teacher and encourager to younger players. Many times Scallet is the difference maker on the D line by keeping the disc alive and moving in the backfield. By playing smart and distributing the disc, Scallet’s success will go hand-in-hand with the propensity for the defense to score breaks. It is in Matt’s nature to be the guy who can both chill the team out when shit hits the fan or pull a spark plug when the team is in a lull. Scallet will break you, joke about it, bend your knees backwards, and then break you again, this time after burning you O2. His experience and willingness to put it all on the line will shine through when in counts down the stretch.

Back to O-Face Kids

#34 Tim “TP” Pearce – Tim Pearce is like an assassin. He works swiftly and silently, barely noticeable until the shit hits the fan. On the O line, he looks like any other cutter, tall and lean. On the field, Tim Pearce scores more than Hugh Hephner. With a plethora of one handed layout catches for goals this season, Tim is dominant scoring weapon – beating Oregon literally single handedly. With big time acceleration and speed, TP has a knack for the end zone and a well rehearsed touchdown dance. All the rubbing in Tim does, is a little fist pump and big grin. Pearce also has a tendency to find space on the field and to juke the snap out of defenders, most times coming to a complete stop to catch the disc just because the defender was juked out of his jock strap. With no turned throws in his career, as soon as TP remembers how to “attack” the disc in the air and not let defenders catch up so easily, it will be total domination of fools. Tim is a finisher and consistent threat on the field. Expect a big things from TP as the season winds to a close, because his experience and big game performances will show when the pressure rises.

#15 Dan “Bonkers” Schmit – Pop Tarts made the fastest rookie-to-veteran transition in recent memory. Little Schmittles n Bits is now skying Texas defenders by the handful, launching full field hucks, and moving the disc like a pro. With the most nicknames on the team and only 5 swear words uttered in his entire life, Crazy Eyes is sometimes a little goofy, and at times even a little crazy when the fanatical grin spreads across his face. But Dan is cool headed and almost rarely snaps, except when Tobie out throws him on the field or slaps him around the house. Pop Tarts will move the disc quickly, run the systems, and heat up real nicely for a gooey tasty center. As a sophomore with great disc skills, his own style and the tendency to dominate the S-Box, Bonkers is also the most mature Hodag, as in he abstains from life’s vices and is even engaged. If Schmit ever brings about the reign of purity, surely the Hodag name will lose the power of the dark side.

More Defensive Studs

#1 Adam “Straight Drews” Drews – Drews is fast as shit and had a huge breakout rookie season last year. Adam was showcasing his speed at every opportunity and even skying players deep. With perhaps the most frustrating injury since Jesse’s ankle fiasco, Adam is biding his time. He is working hard and ready to make a Brett Favresque return this season. He is calculating his moves, watching, and learning. He is silently cocky and so excited to get back onto the field. Drafted as Athlete X of last year, Drews is the fastest man on the team. Besides an insatiable desire to play board and computer games, this fellow lefty loves to score goals and play hard. As Adam finally rejected the band and embraced his true love of ultimate, Drews has been absolutely burning every opponent who tries to cover him. His dedication is undeniable as Drews has attended every single workout and practice, cheering on his teammates. Adam earned himself the name Straight Drews in the honor of the straight booze which courses through the veins of every true Hodag. Whether it is straight booze, or straight Drews, you had better be ready for it to burn hard and fast.

#14 Jon “Babyface” Gaynor – Jon Gaynor is such a nice guy. He will smile on the field, shake your hand, and then steal your girlfriend. Babycheecks wasn’t sure exactly when he wanted to become a Hodag as he turned down countless offers from the Hodags and pursued his dreams of a higher education. However, the hunger returned; a little itch during club season and then a full force addiction to ultimate come fall tryouts. Since Gaynor made the choice to move to the next level, he has become an instant baller. With the ability to get D’s on a continuous basis, Gaynor is a scary match up. He has made a number of unexpectedly sick plays by putting his body on the line. Jon has also gone off in big games, cashing in bunches of breaks down the stretch. With a lefty flick to match his pivots, Gaynor is able to thrash a mark. But again, Gaynor is so gosh darn nice and thoughtful, it would be difficult to not love the guy. However, when Jon gets that eye black smearing, his blood flowing, and that Babyface flushed, it is hard not to spike the disc. The Hodags are lucky to have a stud like Gaynor this year.

#10 Bobby “Bling Bling Blau” Lau – The year was 2003. Bobby Lau, barefoot and fresh off a career of wrestling fame, he entered the world of ultimate Frisbee. It would be a long three years, of dedication, work, and commitment. 2005 did not prove to be his year, but his confidence and silly smile did not waver in the wind. During the summer of 2006, it was a good time for Madison Frisbee and during the club season, Bling Blau began his transformation into a dominator. With stellar player at Regionals and Colorado Cup, Bobby got 2 layout D’s against Doublewide late on Saturday. It was a proud moment and Bobby had proved he could play defense with the best of them. With added stifling defense in the backfield, lightning quick breaks, and consistency of a veteran, the Hodags are reaping the benefits. Bobby is one of the biggest characters on the team and his presence on the field and in the huddle will surely be missed as Bobby will be graduating. As Bobby continues to run the moves of the system and moves the disc like a pro, his impact will be felt in more butts than one.

#38 Evan “I went to Hopkins too – Callahan” Klane – This sophomore Northwestern transfer has aspired to play a higher level of ultimate. He has traveled far and wide and conquered many S-box champions, now looking to ascend to the arena of dominators. He has much to prove and adjusting to a new team and style is always difficult. However, Evan “Feels like a Nut” Klane is starting to drop sick breaks at practice and looks to his throws to carry him through the battle. His huge backhand rips and staunch pulls are doing some damage, helping Evan on his way to reaching his full potential. With his team buddy Kevin Riley, Klane has been hitting the weights and putting in some of the hardest work of his life. Evan is also the least sarcastic player on the team and his Hopkins attitude never helps. However, his ability to put a 7 second pull going about 80 yards upwind will probably help, not to mention roasting kids O2 and bombing it deep upwind in Central Regional finals for key breaks.

#12 Jeremiah “Jerm” Berlin – For everything that Ben Feldman is, Jeremiah is not. Let’s talk about the most uncorrupted, free natured, all-natural, all-American boy this side of Amherst. He doesn’t eat gluten, he believes in team love, and never wonders into “la la land.” Despite his innocent appearance, he is the only high schooler to give his two cents about zone at a Hodag field practice, which was met with a collective “Who the fuck is this kid? And why the hell is he talking during practice?” However, despite being the inverse of Feldman, the competition for who will be the best in 5 years has already begun. Early predictions put Jeremiah on track for the better thrower and overall cooler person, as Ben’s rage could be his undoing. Now all Jeremiah needs is a shorter nickname and longer attention span when looking downfield to truly dominate the college ranks. It is exciting to see Jeremiah play with confidence and earn some big time experience down the stretch this season.


#11 Cullen “Hodag Missile” Geppert – This frosh from Minnesota was very impressive in tryouts. He was getting layout D’s all over the place and was looking to do some damage in the air as well. Cullen was putting his body on the line with some sick nasty layout blocks and aggressive defense. Cullen wants to be a dominator and has legitimately taken the right steps to improve and develop as a player. He is mastering his throws, taking advice, and listening to the veteran players. The team is holding their breath because Cullen is going to be awesome. He is the Wisconsin Spirit award winner and has a family that is just as excited about ultimate as Cullen is. Now when the conversation for best player in the freshman class of 2007 comes up, some other freshman might be saying, “It should have been me!”

#26 Ryan “Athlete X or Jesse” Ingersoll – Jesse is by far the coolest freshman of 2007. He can walk on his hands, do one legged standing back flips, and can standing vertical jump like 38 inches. When you talk about potential, this kid is Spud Webb. As a H.S. Division I full back, “Athlete X” is the newest version of Joey D. So that means Jesse is dominant at going deep and waiting for the disc about half a minute to arrive because he has burned his defender so bad. He can bench press your entire team and air bounce his backhand better than your best handler. Expect big things to come from Jesse in the future and many ridiculously sweet defensive plays. There was one slight setback, involving ice, leaping, 1 plate, intense screaming, 3 screws and a broken fibula… so yeah. Hopefully he can just shrug that one off in his next 5 years of eligibility.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

We want to hear about the Hodag Freshmen.

Anonymous said...

shut up feldman

Anonymous said...

Your my hero!

Anonymous said...

Cullen is my HERO!

Anonymous said...

I like Muffin, hes Muffalicious!

GOPalum said...

Seth Meyer is DEFINITELY not the most accomplished GoP alum ever. Also he's bad at telling stories. Also he has nice abs. Also he may or may not enjoy buttsex.

Anonymous said...

jon gaynor is really nice!!

Anonymous said...

when michael kushner goes to madison he will make the A team right awy. Just a heads up.